It’s Amazing Grace

Today I was reading, “The Blessing” that an older friend let me borrow eight months ago. I know that’s a long time to finally get to the book. But as I was reading about Abraham and how he grievingly was willing to give his son’s life for God I thought, did God look down on Abraham at how it grieved him so, knowing that He would do the same someday–but actually go through with it. The way the bible describes Jesus death on the cross and the supernatural events that took place makes me think that to some degree it did grieve Him to see is only Son die. I wonder if God wanted to see if Abraham would be willing to give up his son just as God had planned to do with his only Son for him and us all. Isn’t it interesting also that this is the genealogical line in which Jesus would come. God did with Jesus what Abraham was willing to do early on. I know God’s ways and thoughts are above my own. But sometimes I imagine how and why he plans things out the way they happen. It’s seems ironic almost…or maybe it is.

This will hopefully be my second year coaching cross country at Eleanor Roosevelt High School in Corona. I’m still waiting to hear back from the athletic director if I will be taking over the head coach’s position since Scott resigned. But we will still work together in his classroom until I get a teaching position. Anyway, Don Nicholsen (athletic director) told me to go ahead and start training the athletes. I have been since July 9. Well technically I was in bed because of my surgery and Curtis coached them for me. But they were so happy to see me we I finally came out as I was happy to see them as well. I hope no other teacher’s apply so that I can get the head coach’s position. Curtis and I can earn an extra $8,800 dollars if we both coach cross country and track and field throughout their respective seasons. Anyway, this years boy’s team will be amazing. Students are coming out of the wood works to be apart of the cross country and track teams because they have been the only athletic programs at the new school that have been successful thus far. I have potentially four boy’s who can run the 5K (3 miles) in 15 minutes–a time of 14:40 would earn them a full ride at most universities. I’m excited because they still have some years left at the new school. I like it that I don’t have to spend so much time motivating them. They are self motivated, plus Curtis had a bigger mouth than I do. The kids say I’m the mellow one and he’s the loud one–how fitting. These kid’s are the mustang’s…Go mustang’s, Go!

My anxiety and OCD behaviors have decreased a great deal since I started taking my medicine and have been going to counseling for some time now. And I am greatful to my Lord and Savior for never giving up on me. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with anxiety but not to the point that it was at a year ago. I would say now my anxiety on a scale of 1 thru 10 fluctuates between 4-6. And right now is one of those difficult times. Once in awhile I think about death. I know it is inevitable, but I still don’t like it. I wonder how I will react to my mom, sister and brother’s deaths. I pray often to God that He will not take them from me any time soon. I am afraid of dying. I think I will be crying when I know I am dying just like Leonardo DeCaprio in this one western movie where he plays a young kid who gets shot and is on the ground embraced in someones arms crying–saying, “I don’t want to die!” I’m not really afraid of where I will go. I am certain of my faith in Jesus Christ and I know I will be with him. I know Him and He knows me and I know when I get to heaven I will know Him more. It’s death itself that frightens me! I wish I had the courage the Apostle Paul had when he said, “…for me to die is gain.” Yes, I know it is possible for me to grow in this area because if Paul can do it–can’t I? He was a human being just like I am! I need Jesus to hold my hand like an infant would hold their parents’ hand while being guided along the way. I need him to comfort me and tell me it’s ok–everything is going to be alright. I’m scared. I need Jesus to help me! …and I just know I’m not the only one who struggles with the act of dying.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, I will be getting seven wisdom teeth extracted. Yes, I will be sedated. Last year when I had eight wisdom teeth, I went to Western Dental to have one pulled. They did not put me to sleep and it was a horrifying emotional experience. It felt like I had my soul snatched out of me. I cried for days. I want to take out the other seven so that I will not have anymore problems in the future with them. Don’t worry I have evidence! I have an X-ray from when I was a teenager, and their going to give me another X-ray tomorrow for free. Also, Curtis and I bought a throw-away camera and he took pictures of my entire mouth outside our apartment door. Last week I applied to Guinness Book of World Records. And I am going to call Ripley’s Believe it or Not. I figure since dentists never believe it until they see it then I might have a chance of winning. Maybe my 8 wisdom teeth will payoff after all!