It’s Amazing Grace

I am Grace. I was named after my Grandmother who passed away about 5 years ago when I was in graduate school…actually I was given her middle name as my first name. She was the last living grandparent I had left. And, really the only grandparent I knew well. She and my grandfather were both pastured our family church when I was growing up. She was Cherokee and Irish and had beautiful long hair and a big smile that looked pleasant. I am not worried because I believe she is in heaven right now…which is a far far better place! It is a real place…more real than we could ever imagine! My grandma was soft-spoken and took time to say what she had to say. When Curtis and I were dating I felted so loved that he would take the time to go to Los Angeles with me to support me and my mommy at my grandmother’s funeral. He held both of our hands as we walked out of the church. I could see it in her face that she absolutely adored Curtis. He was and still is a true gentleman. She told all our relatives and friends at my grandma’s funeral that he was her son-in-law. We were not engaged at the time…in fact we had only been going out for several months. Curtis told me about the shocked look on his face when she was announcing to everyone that he was her son. Curtis even said my brother turned his head so quickly with the response of our mommy that he could have easily gotten whiplash. I’m glad that Curtis was able to see my grandmother at least. My family says that I have my grandma’s facial features. I was proud of my grandmother for the evangelistic work she did for people in third world countries and the godly messages she would bring on a local radio station in Inglewood every Sunday morning before the crack of dawn…I’m talking about 2am to 4am! Everyone let it be known that I am not a morning person…not by far! But my grandmother was and she sacrificed and did everything she could to forward the gospel of Jesus Christ to others…even after grandpa died. It was amazing to see how not even the death of grandpa slowed her from doing the will of the Father. She was truly amazing…and I miss her…I miss my grandma. She was and still is Anita Grace Smart. 

This past Sunday, Nov. 18, I turned 30 years old. It’s really funny to observe people’s reactions when they ask me my age and I tell them. Why, just two days ago their was this guy who helped me load my instruments in my car. I told him it was my birthday and he said, “Happy Birthday! How old are you?” When I told him I was 30 yrs. old he said, “No you’re not.” I said, “Yes I am.” He said, “Well, I guess black don’t crack huh!” It was pretty funny hearing those words come out of a white guys mouth. I went to Walmart and was being helped by this guy in the electronics department. As we were talking and discussing adapter cables he asked, “What grade are you in?” I answered, “I’ll be 30 yrs. old in a couple of weeks. He responded, “Shut up! …you have beautiful skin.” It was nice hearing that complement since I grew up with an acne problem. He said, “I’m 36 yrs. old, but I look like I’m 50 yrs. old.” And, he really did! I was shocked! All in all, I had a great 3oth birthday. Curtis bought me new casual dress shoes from JCPenny, two casual dress pants and Boy-shorts from New York & Company. Then he took me out to lunch at the Cheesecake factory. Later on, for dinner we ate at TGIFriday’s…mostly because it was one of the few places open that late at night. Diana Wall gave me a card and gift bag with lotions and body spray’s. Leah and Rob gave me a card and a gift certificate for iTunes. My mom mailed me a card with $25 in it along with a $50 gift card to New York and Company. Curtis is eager to use it to buy me this jacket he keeps talking about that he saw in New York & Company when he was shopping for my birthday gifts.

I can see how admitting the parts of a disagreement in which the other person is right can leave you feeling humble, not proud, or feeling guilty because you know you were wrong in that area of the discussion. It doesn’t make any sense to disagree with everything if their is some truth to what the other person is saying. If one were not to admit this and just kept it inside letting it make them feel guilty, humiliated and/or proud they would be doing themselves a disservice emotionally and physically. Many call this way of communicating “Fighting Fair”. There is no feeling like that of feeling free–not only on the outside in our environment and way of life, but also in the inside of us were our soul and those feelings God created in us as his image-bearers are found.

I think almost anyone would agree with me that it feels good the weekend has finally come. And, I think even more so since Monday is Veteran’s Day…which means no work for me! Those long hard hours of work scream, “Break Time”. Ever since I stopped coaching I have had a dramatic reduction of stress in my life. I know that at first I was deeply grieved by the changes in head coach and the possibility of me not coaching. But I have to say that I am enjoying leaving work early, coming home to rest before I go to band practice, piano, or guitar class at night. It feels so good that I don’t want to let it go. I don’t know if I want to coach now. I mean, I don’t want to sadden the track athletes–but I’m thinking they will live, just like the cross-country athletes had to do this season not to long ago. Then I ask to myself…what does God think I should do?  I don’t want to disappoint Him if it is a talent He has given me and expects me to use it. I don’t want to waist any of the gifts he’s given me. I don’t know if he considers it a talent. I just wish He could help me to decide what to do because I don’t know what to do, and I’m drawn to the changes in my life now. Of course, I’ll keep praying and ask Him to help me decide whether to coach or not. I wish and hope to get a clear answer…and I hope it’s the right one God would have me choose.

I’m having a difficult evening this Sunday. I feel depressed and hurt because of the poor communication and unkindness that was displayed. I don’t think less of Curtis. It’s just that I don’t like it when there is tension between us. I’m not how I use to be when I would feel so bad that in my eye’s he could have very well have been Satan. I make a more conscious effort now to remember that Curtis is still an awesome husband…even though he may not demonstrate it sometimes. But he is definitely not Satan. Curtis has so many good qualities that anyone would feel blessed to have in a husband. Sometimes I may overlook his good qualities because of the problem that is blinding me from seeing things as God see things…he can see the whole picture and how it all comes together for good. I guess I’m waiting for him to say he’s sorry. But this is a time when I can demonstrate Love and the power that it holds. Love never fails…right? It’s what it says in I Corinthians 13:8. I feel that sometimes difficult situations can seem more traumatic and unresolvable. But that’s not true. I have seen what Love can do when you are patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, not proud or rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, and not keeping a record of the wrongs done to you by others and the ones you love the most. Many times this unseen spiritual battle that’s going on feels draining. But, I guess despite how I may feel right now…I just need to Love.

I don’t know what to write about. I guess I’m just writing so no one thinks I fell off the face of the earth. I’m sitting here in the classroom waiting for 1:30pm to come around so I can go home. And and I type I notice Scott’s snake is staring at me…creepy!

I was just thinking about where God says in Revelation that on the New Earth where all his people will live forever–we and animals will not experience violence with one another, but live in harmony. And, it says snakes will only feed off the dust of the earth. That sucks for snakes to have to eat dust for all eternity. But I guess God thought it to be purposeful to have them do so after Satan used a snake as a tool to cause all this crap to happen. I get mad and frustrated just thinking about it. Well at least now we have Jesus to thank for taking out fate upon himself so that would be sufficient to stand forever.

Today, I had a great counseling session. I shared about my long 3 hour talk over the phone with my cousin. I was just checking to make sure my Aunt (her mom) was ok because she had a stroke and was in a coma. Little did I know I would pieces of treasured history in my life and my family’s life. I never knew by dad use to be called “pee wee”! My cousin told me she wanted to hold me when I was born but my mom said she was too little. She is seven years older than me and at the time she said she was trying to explain to my mommy the she had plenty of experience because she had this toy doll called “Baby Alive”… I think…but anyway she said the toy could do things a real baby could do. And so according to her in her 7 year old mind that was plenty of experience.