It’s Amazing Grace

Yesterday I had a humbling eye opening experience. You know how it has been difficult for me to decide whether to take the CSET in Science and teach in the classroom or go to CSU, San Bernardino and take the 16 units to get my Adapted Physical Education Specialist Credential to teach students with disabilities? Well, I talked to Bobbie on Wednesday and she said I don’t seem to have found that “thing” that lights up my face…something I would really enjoy doing. So, she said why don’t I just do both and see where it leads me. And, I’m doing just that.

My eye opening experience happened when I went to a students house yesterday in Chino Hills to tutor her in Biology. Well, I didn’t know she was in “honors” Biology. A “B” in Biology was pretty much failing in her eyes…wow! I realized that I was struggling to explain the Calvin cycle and some other things to her in the detail she was expecting. After an hour and twenty minutes I was upfront and honest with her. I asked her to give me her honest opinion of how she thought the session went…and told her to please be honest. She said she needed more detail in the explanations to be able to understand it. I told her and her mom that I would feel right continuing our tutoring sessions because I felt like I would be doing her daughter a disservice. I explained to her and her mom that I would talk to the director of ClubZ! and have them send a tutor who has more experience teaching honors Biology. I explained that my experience is limited to working with Special Education students in Science and Math, therefore, it would be best to have someone more suited to come out and help her.

I left feeling very humbled…realizing that I don’t know everyting…and I don’t have to. Even though my pride may have been hurt somewhat, I have releived and happy that I now know something about me that is definitely not a strength becuase it makes it that much easier for me to decide what career options are out there for me. I now know that if I ever want to teach Science it will have to be with Special Educaiton students or students in beginning Biology…and definitely not honors Biology! I was so happy I didn’t let my pride get in the way of me being upfront and honest with her and her mother.

It’s for the best, especially considering I almost got a ticket on the way to trying to find her house. I missed the street and didn’t realize I was doing an illegal U-turn. I also didn’t realize a cop was right in front of me until he turned on his lights. I looked up and asked God how much worst can it get. We are already in a financial hole and can’t take anymore! I broke down crying in front of the officer. He asked me if I lived in the apartments in front of where I made the U-turn because those residents typically do that a lot even though they’re not suppose to. I told him where I was headed and that I wasn’t from the area. He took my license and registration and after some time, came back and told me not to cry and that he was a nice guy. He said he would give me a warning and explained to me why I could make a U-turn across a double solid line…which I know, I just wasn’t paying attention to it. If he only knew that I was crying because of the financial bind we’re already in maybe he would have understood more why I was crying. I thank God for helping me in that situation when I asked for it.

I’ve been on Edjoin.org a lot in the past two weeks looking for jobs. I was able to apply to four teaching jobs in physical education. I still haven’t received my unemployment check. I had a job interview today at Starbucks in Chino Hills. I was pretty excited about it. ClubZ! is an in-home tutoring company that has many locations through the US. My interview went well and I will likely have my first student–tutoring her in Biology for the SAT’s. Curtis ruined my excitement with his scepticism though. He thinks ClubZ! is a scam and we can’t agree on whether I should tutor or not. Nothing I say helps him to understand that ClubZ! is a legitimate business. I found them on Edjoin.org. It’s part-time so it will take some time for me to build my reputation as a great tutor so that I can get more students later in the semester. I will get paid $20/hr, which isn’t a lot for one student, but it’s a start–and better than not getting paid at all. I have more anxiety now because of the disagreement…to put it lightly…I had with Curtis. I went from excited to feeling sad.

I’ve had this empty feeling lately. So many things have been troubling me in the past month–especially in the past week. Life feels like it’s falling apart. I struggle with the shame of my youth. And to this day, even though I know being molested as a child is not my fault, it sure does bring me shame that I couldn’t say no and stop it from happening the many times it did. Alfred Johnson (who was my “play” uncle–but I choose not to call him uncle anymore) did everything and anything with me…including intercourse. For that reason I am ashamed, afraid, embarrassed, and uncomfortable talking about sex, pregnancy and anything related to those topics. I am so afraid of talking about those things, that I would never tell anyone if I was going to be a mom.

Well, I found out I was going to be a mom in July (I was 6 wks.). Even though Curtis secretly told people, I tried to avoid the conversations as much as possible. I know intellectually, my shame is a lie from Satan. I just wish I could feel free from that emotionally. I started spotting (blood) at 8 wks; but, the OB/GYN told me it was too early to tell if something was wrong and that spotting was normal in many women. Last Monday, August 25, 2008, I woke up with uncomfortable cramping in my lower abs and legs. It lasted all day; and, when I got home from seeing Bobbie, I started bleeding a little more. Still, I rested and went about my day.

That night, during band practice at the church office–I was sitting and playing piano–and It felt like my pants were soaked. I was so embarrassed because I thought I used the bathroom on myself. I could feel the fluid pouring out of me like water. When everyone left the room, I walked behind to the bathroom. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next. I was drenched in blood. There were blood clots the size of liver tissue and white-pinkish tissue with a noticeable black dot that appeared strange. Everything I touched got blood on it…the floor, toilet, hands, sleeves, walls and etc. Kim came to check on me and I asked her to get Curtis from the parking lot. He came in and immediately took my backpack and we walked to the car. Tracy was nice enough to clean up the bathroom for me. Curtis took me to the ER at Riverside Community Hospital; Tracy and Dan met us there a little while later. They drew six tubes of blood for testing and did an ultrasound. And, at 4:30am the dr. told us–with tears in his eyes– we had a miscarriage and my uterus was almost completely empty (I was 11 wks.). I cried a little, the whole time we were there. But Curtis cried so hard and loud that everyone on that floor in the building could hear him. He cried and cried, and screamed, walking slouched over as I held his hand walking out the hospital doors. The dr. said this was more common that people think–he said, people just don’t talk about it a lot.

Thanks to the support of our church family, who are not letting us grieve alone; we are being taken care of daily. Tracy and Christina set up meals for others to bring us at dinner time (thank you…Casey & Kristy, Trina, Alan & April, Dorie & Mark, Ray, Tom & Brandi).

Tuesday morning I got up and was determined to make it to my dentist appt.–even though Curtis didn’t want me to go. I wanted to get out and do something. So, I left him there to talk with Tom Mayes. Tracy came walking in the door at the dentist to my surprise! Curtis was worried and told her where I was. She said, “Hi…what are you doing???” I said, “getting my braces tightened.” She left her car at the dentist and went with me to the post office. Then, she was so kind as to take me to Denny’s for breakfast. Curtis told her “Moons Over MyHammy” was my favorite. We even had dinner at her house later. She made tacos and gave Curtis her gift card to blockbusters to go get some movies to watch. I played with her cute little fluffy dog. I like animals…they kept me company whenever I felt lonely as a child. I lost my cell phone at the hospital. Eddie is helping me find a new one.

I found out I still get my unemployment benefits and Medical while I’m finishing my student teaching (which hasn’t started yet). Angela came to visit me–she held my hand and talked to me. I asked her, with everything bad going happening, if I was going to be ok. She said, I would be because I’m sealed in Christ. Satan can try to get at me in many ways, but he will never own my soul. She said it’s a miracle we turned out to be loving because our childhoods would have determined otherwise. She said, “It’s because God didn’t let Satan touch that part of us (our soul) that is sealed in Christ.” It was comforting to here her tell me I would be ok. There are so many other issues I can’t address out of respect for Curtis’ feelings, that are a burden to me. But I have to believe that we’re going to be ok. When you feel like you have nothing, or many things taken away from you–especially all at once–it’s like you have no choice but to have faith in Jesus. He’s all I feel like I have left.

Thank you…to every single individual praying for us and that have given us words of encouraged and acts of love.