It’s Amazing Grace

I have my first student-teacher observation in the morning. My university supervisor is coming at 9:30 to observe me in action. I not that nervouse because I have a good idea of what will go on during money math. She has to observe me three times by December 12 so that I can finish my internship and apply for my credential.

This semester in piano class I’m learning how to play “Christmas Time Is Here” from Charlie Brown’s Christmas songs. I will be playing it for my final in front of the whole class in December. I’m also learning a piece called, “Romanticism” on guitar…I think that’s what it’s called. I’ve had my braces for about a year and four months now…time sure fly’s. I have a new 8th grade student I’m tutoring in Algebra. She’s a pretty laid back kid. Whoa! I’m watching “House” on tv and I saw an older gentleman who kinda looked like Isaac Nesmith from church. How crazy is that!

Curtis and I took a bike ride down Magnolia to the newly renovated Riverside Library. We checked out three movies to watch over the next 2 weeks. You can check out as many as 6 per person with a library card. So, I got to work out after all today. I always feel a little more uplifted in mood after a little exercise. We enjoy riding our bikes through neighborhoods looking at nature and the beautiful scenery.

One thing…I don’t understand why politicians on these prop commercials are comparing peoples rights (regardless of race) with homosexual marriage. God’s moral word doesn’t state it’s a sin to marry another person of the opposite sex. It doesn’t state the latter thought. Either way, God has called me to love my homosexual sisters and brothers and to pray for them with the sinful struggles they have. My voting decision will be based on God’s Word and not worldly perspectives.

Ok, after this week ended I now have only 5 more weeks of student teaching. I get a week off for Thanksgiving. So, I’ll actually finish December 12… a week later. I decided not to go to Sycamore park to workout, for lack of gas money. So, I took this day to rest and slept in til’ 11am.

Curtis, got a letter two days ago from Trinity Law School. It was a letter of acceptance to let him finish his last 4 classes. What a whirlwind we’re going through. Well, now he gets to finish at least and all those loans won’t go to wait. I will have to help him finish his credential classes at National University in the meantime because of a financial aid situation.

I’m really worried that my skin is breaking out. I need to stop eating foods I’m allergic to and I also need to stop eating so much candy. My tummy agrees with it, but my face doesn’t. I have very little will power when it comes to staying away from those foods and snacks. They taste soooo good! I need to decide if it’s worth my face breaking out though.

Even thought I got three job offers for a special education teaching position I couldn’t take them because National University wants me to finish my student teaching. Even though I ‘m bummed about that because we desperately need money to pay our bills we’re backed up in; I am hopeful that I will get even more offers when I am done in 5 weeks. Apparently, special education teachers are in high demand even though general education teachers are getting laid off.

After this week, I will have five more weeks of student-teaching internship at Moreno Valley High School to get my credential. Then I will be working diligently to get a special education teaching job. It will be a sigh of relief to finally get a job. Even if it’s not the best job, or, the job I really want (which I’m still not sure of), it will be awesome to have income coming in to help pay our living expenses and other bills. It burdens me to have to ask people for help, especially money. I appreciate it; but no matter what, I still feel like I’m being a burden on others.

I’m excited because I’ve already received calls for special education teaching positions–even though I can’t take any until I finish my student-teaching and get my credential. It gives me hope that in five weeks I will have a lot of job offers to choose from. That makes me feel good. Even so, I realize that even if I am financially ok–I still need to be aware that there are people who are not. Some of us are effected by the recession more than others. And, when I’m not affected by the recession I won’t be so complacent as to forget that there are people who are not well off as I am. I don’t want to be in my own little bubble and think all is well and forget those who need help the most.

Wow, it’s been a while! I feel like my life has been doing a wave for the past couple months. Just when I think things are going to get better, my smile is turned into a frown. I thought I was going to be able to get a full-time special education teaching job and be able to us it as my student-teaching for my credential program at National University. But the school that wanted to hire me does not have a contract with the university, so I can’t do an internship there. As much of a downer as that may seem, I am confident that God has a plan for my life and my career–whatever that may be. Anyway, I went to Moreno Valley H.S. today for my first day of student-teaching for my special education credential. The teacher I’ll be working with has over 30 yrs experience. He looks like and talks like an old coach of mine when I was training for the Olympic trials. I is a short stalky man with–what seems to me–to be a Nigerian accent. But this old chap said he was from New English…I never would have guessed that. He has SIX aide’s in his classroom of 18 students…wow! And, not to mention a senior who is his teacher’s assistant. The class literally runs on it’s own with its very rigid routine–which the students seem to like. I have 9 weeks to complete at MVHS and I hope it fly’s bye faster than I can say, “that was easy”.

My relationship with Curtis is at its best and is continuing to grow stronger. You can trust that statement but you know I’d tell you the truth if it weren’t so. I am so proud of him and praise God for the miracle of our relationship as it is now. And, I thank anyone who has prayed for us over the past 6 years. He makes sure we pray together every night before we go to bed. And, he wants us to make an effort to get into the habit of praying together every morning. It’s amazing what God can do when you let go and let Him take control of your circumstances. He can totally flip flop situtations in your life that you never thought possible. I remember when I use to try to lead and get Curtis to pray with me on a regular basis and he was resistant. Now, he encourages ME to read God’s word and pray. He keeps me accountable…how amazing is that?! Well, I’m still trying to find a night job that I can do for the next 9 weeks. I do have an interview this Saturday at UPS in Ontario.

Thanks,

Grace

Yesterday I had a humbling eye opening experience. You know how it has been difficult for me to decide whether to take the CSET in Science and teach in the classroom or go to CSU, San Bernardino and take the 16 units to get my Adapted Physical Education Specialist Credential to teach students with disabilities? Well, I talked to Bobbie on Wednesday and she said I don’t seem to have found that “thing” that lights up my face…something I would really enjoy doing. So, she said why don’t I just do both and see where it leads me. And, I’m doing just that.

My eye opening experience happened when I went to a students house yesterday in Chino Hills to tutor her in Biology. Well, I didn’t know she was in “honors” Biology. A “B” in Biology was pretty much failing in her eyes…wow! I realized that I was struggling to explain the Calvin cycle and some other things to her in the detail she was expecting. After an hour and twenty minutes I was upfront and honest with her. I asked her to give me her honest opinion of how she thought the session went…and told her to please be honest. She said she needed more detail in the explanations to be able to understand it. I told her and her mom that I would feel right continuing our tutoring sessions because I felt like I would be doing her daughter a disservice. I explained to her and her mom that I would talk to the director of ClubZ! and have them send a tutor who has more experience teaching honors Biology. I explained that my experience is limited to working with Special Education students in Science and Math, therefore, it would be best to have someone more suited to come out and help her.

I left feeling very humbled…realizing that I don’t know everyting…and I don’t have to. Even though my pride may have been hurt somewhat, I have releived and happy that I now know something about me that is definitely not a strength becuase it makes it that much easier for me to decide what career options are out there for me. I now know that if I ever want to teach Science it will have to be with Special Educaiton students or students in beginning Biology…and definitely not honors Biology! I was so happy I didn’t let my pride get in the way of me being upfront and honest with her and her mother.

It’s for the best, especially considering I almost got a ticket on the way to trying to find her house. I missed the street and didn’t realize I was doing an illegal U-turn. I also didn’t realize a cop was right in front of me until he turned on his lights. I looked up and asked God how much worst can it get. We are already in a financial hole and can’t take anymore! I broke down crying in front of the officer. He asked me if I lived in the apartments in front of where I made the U-turn because those residents typically do that a lot even though they’re not suppose to. I told him where I was headed and that I wasn’t from the area. He took my license and registration and after some time, came back and told me not to cry and that he was a nice guy. He said he would give me a warning and explained to me why I could make a U-turn across a double solid line…which I know, I just wasn’t paying attention to it. If he only knew that I was crying because of the financial bind we’re already in maybe he would have understood more why I was crying. I thank God for helping me in that situation when I asked for it.

I’ve been on Edjoin.org a lot in the past two weeks looking for jobs. I was able to apply to four teaching jobs in physical education. I still haven’t received my unemployment check. I had a job interview today at Starbucks in Chino Hills. I was pretty excited about it. ClubZ! is an in-home tutoring company that has many locations through the US. My interview went well and I will likely have my first student–tutoring her in Biology for the SAT’s. Curtis ruined my excitement with his scepticism though. He thinks ClubZ! is a scam and we can’t agree on whether I should tutor or not. Nothing I say helps him to understand that ClubZ! is a legitimate business. I found them on Edjoin.org. It’s part-time so it will take some time for me to build my reputation as a great tutor so that I can get more students later in the semester. I will get paid $20/hr, which isn’t a lot for one student, but it’s a start–and better than not getting paid at all. I have more anxiety now because of the disagreement…to put it lightly…I had with Curtis. I went from excited to feeling sad.

I’ve had this empty feeling lately. So many things have been troubling me in the past month–especially in the past week. Life feels like it’s falling apart. I struggle with the shame of my youth. And to this day, even though I know being molested as a child is not my fault, it sure does bring me shame that I couldn’t say no and stop it from happening the many times it did. Alfred Johnson (who was my “play” uncle–but I choose not to call him uncle anymore) did everything and anything with me…including intercourse. For that reason I am ashamed, afraid, embarrassed, and uncomfortable talking about sex, pregnancy and anything related to those topics. I am so afraid of talking about those things, that I would never tell anyone if I was going to be a mom.

Well, I found out I was going to be a mom in July (I was 6 wks.). Even though Curtis secretly told people, I tried to avoid the conversations as much as possible. I know intellectually, my shame is a lie from Satan. I just wish I could feel free from that emotionally. I started spotting (blood) at 8 wks; but, the OB/GYN told me it was too early to tell if something was wrong and that spotting was normal in many women. Last Monday, August 25, 2008, I woke up with uncomfortable cramping in my lower abs and legs. It lasted all day; and, when I got home from seeing Bobbie, I started bleeding a little more. Still, I rested and went about my day.

That night, during band practice at the church office–I was sitting and playing piano–and It felt like my pants were soaked. I was so embarrassed because I thought I used the bathroom on myself. I could feel the fluid pouring out of me like water. When everyone left the room, I walked behind to the bathroom. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next. I was drenched in blood. There were blood clots the size of liver tissue and white-pinkish tissue with a noticeable black dot that appeared strange. Everything I touched got blood on it…the floor, toilet, hands, sleeves, walls and etc. Kim came to check on me and I asked her to get Curtis from the parking lot. He came in and immediately took my backpack and we walked to the car. Tracy was nice enough to clean up the bathroom for me. Curtis took me to the ER at Riverside Community Hospital; Tracy and Dan met us there a little while later. They drew six tubes of blood for testing and did an ultrasound. And, at 4:30am the dr. told us–with tears in his eyes– we had a miscarriage and my uterus was almost completely empty (I was 11 wks.). I cried a little, the whole time we were there. But Curtis cried so hard and loud that everyone on that floor in the building could hear him. He cried and cried, and screamed, walking slouched over as I held his hand walking out the hospital doors. The dr. said this was more common that people think–he said, people just don’t talk about it a lot.

Thanks to the support of our church family, who are not letting us grieve alone; we are being taken care of daily. Tracy and Christina set up meals for others to bring us at dinner time (thank you…Casey & Kristy, Trina, Alan & April, Dorie & Mark, Ray, Tom & Brandi).

Tuesday morning I got up and was determined to make it to my dentist appt.–even though Curtis didn’t want me to go. I wanted to get out and do something. So, I left him there to talk with Tom Mayes. Tracy came walking in the door at the dentist to my surprise! Curtis was worried and told her where I was. She said, “Hi…what are you doing???” I said, “getting my braces tightened.” She left her car at the dentist and went with me to the post office. Then, she was so kind as to take me to Denny’s for breakfast. Curtis told her “Moons Over MyHammy” was my favorite. We even had dinner at her house later. She made tacos and gave Curtis her gift card to blockbusters to go get some movies to watch. I played with her cute little fluffy dog. I like animals…they kept me company whenever I felt lonely as a child. I lost my cell phone at the hospital. Eddie is helping me find a new one.

I found out I still get my unemployment benefits and Medical while I’m finishing my student teaching (which hasn’t started yet). Angela came to visit me–she held my hand and talked to me. I asked her, with everything bad going happening, if I was going to be ok. She said, I would be because I’m sealed in Christ. Satan can try to get at me in many ways, but he will never own my soul. She said it’s a miracle we turned out to be loving because our childhoods would have determined otherwise. She said, “It’s because God didn’t let Satan touch that part of us (our soul) that is sealed in Christ.” It was comforting to here her tell me I would be ok. There are so many other issues I can’t address out of respect for Curtis’ feelings, that are a burden to me. But I have to believe that we’re going to be ok. When you feel like you have nothing, or many things taken away from you–especially all at once–it’s like you have no choice but to have faith in Jesus. He’s all I feel like I have left.

Thank you…to every single individual praying for us and that have given us words of encouraged and acts of love.

I have decided to share what Curtis and I have been going through for the past three weeks. It’s not easy to share, nor to grasp fully at this stage in life. But it’s late and I’m exhausted, so I will share tomorrow…maybe, if I can.

My day is just beginning. I’ve already played for one service at Pipeline and have only two more to go. I’m trying to relax but it’s difficult with so much on my mind. I wonder what the Lord will bring about to happen today. So far all I have planned is sleeping…Oh, and catching the closing ceremony to the Olympics. I wonder if it will be as good as, or better than the opening ceremony…something to look forward to for entertainment.

I liked what one of the NBA players said in an interview about how they didn’t want to be “The Picture”, but apart of “The Big Picture”. And they were–having attended other sporting competitions showed their support for the Olympic games and other athletes in various sports.

We saw–by we, I mean me and Curtis–Tropic Thunder at the drive-in last night. A very controversal movie to some I’m assuming. I didn’t watch it expecting to take offense. There is, if not all, every stereotype in the movie. I guess it’s Ben Stillers sense of humor coming out with no holding back. I still can’t believe that bald headed guy dancin’ like a thug was Tom Cruise…wow!!! Anyway, I still thought it was funny…stupid funny.